Man Who ‘Doesn’t Watch Sports’ Extends Office NFL Pick’em Streak to 19 Straight Weeks

CHARLOTTE, NC — In a development that has caused three grown men to openly weep in the office parking lot, Derek Patterson, a 34-year-old accounts receivable specialist who “thinks football is the one with helmets,” has won his company’s weekly NFL Pick’em pool for the 19th consecutive week, sweeping the entire 2024 season and extending into Week 1 of 2025.

Patterson, who made his Week 1 selections while simultaneously building a Dungeons & Dragons character sheet, correctly picked 15 of 16 games, including calling the Packers’ upset over Detroit  because “Aaron Rodgers isn’t there anymore so they’re probably better”.

“I don’t understand why everyone gets so worked up about sports,” Patterson said, adjusting his Nintendo Power retro t-shirt. “Anyway, did you know that in Magic: The Gathering, the Black Lotus card can sell for over $500,000? Now THAT’S interesting.”

The streak, which began in Week 1 of the 2024 season, has generated $3,800 in total winnings that Patterson has reportedly spent entirely on vintage Star Trek memorabilia and something called a “3D resin printer for my Warhammer figurines.”

Marcus Thompson, the office’s self-proclaimed NFL guru who hosts a fantasy football podcast called “Thompson’s Third Down Thoughts,” has finished second to Patterson 17 of the 19 weeks. Thompson, who wakes up at 5 AM to study NFL film, was found Tuesday morning staring at his computer screen, which displayed Patterson’s winning picks alongside his own research spreadsheet containing 47 different statistical categories.

“Last year in Week 2, he picked the Raiders over Baltimore because ‘pirates beat birds in a fight,'” Thompson whispered, his eye twitching noticeably. “I analyzed injury reports, Lamar Jackson’s historical performance at home, and weather patterns. He doesn’t even know who Lamar Jackson is. He thinks the Ravens are ‘probably named after Edgar Allan Poe’s thing.'”

Patterson’s selection methodology has included gems such as:

• Choosing the Saints’ blowout of Dallas in 2024 Week 2 because “saints are holier than cowboys”
• Taking the Buccaneers over Lions that same week because “pirates have cannons”
• Correctly calling the Vikings upset over 49ers because “Vikings had boats”
• Going with Buffalo over Baltimore because “buffalo are more majestic than birds”

“During the playoffs last year, he asked me if wild cards are like in Uno,” said Jesse Rodriguez, who actually played college football as a kicker. “Then he went undefeated in the postseason while basing his picks on which mascots would win in a Pokemon-style battle system he created.”

According to my statistical analysis, Patterson’s success rate defies 14 different probability models. The likelihood of his streak occurring randomly is approximately 1 in 847 million, or roughly the same odds as Patterson correctly using football terminology in a sentence.

The breaking point came during last year’s Week 17 when Patterson went perfect while attending a three-day Lord of the Rings extended edition marathon. He submitted his picks during the Battle of Helm’s Deep, selecting winners based on which team names “would survive longer in Middle-earth.”

“He doesn’t know what a safety is,” said Tom Walsh, who has maintained season tickets since 1997 and has won the pick’em exactly zero times. “But he correctly predicted Josh Allen’s comeback over Baltimore while explaining the chronological timeline of the Legend of Zelda games. This man is everything wrong with the universe.”

The situation reached peak absurdity when ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith’s picks were compared to Patterson’s. Smith, who covers the NFL professionally, had a 52% accuracy rate in 2024. Patterson, who referred to the NFL as “the National Football Thing” in an email, finished at 87%.

Patterson’s desk, notably devoid of any sports paraphernalia, instead features a complete set of hand-painted Battlestar Galactica ships, a Japanese edition of Pokémon cards in protective sleeves, and a sticky note reading “Sunday = Football picks (the helmet sport).”

“He asked me last week why Daniel Jones switched teams,” Thompson said, showing visible signs of distress. “When I explained he signed with the Colts, Derek said ‘Oh, baby horses, that makes sense for someone named Jones.’ Then correctly picked them to blow out Miami because ‘horses can run on land but dolphins can’t.'”

When asked for his Week 2 predictions, Patterson pulled out a 20-sided die and said, “I’ve been developing a new system based on my Dungeon Master probability tables. Also, are the Titans actual gods? Because that would affect their mythological power ranking in my calculations.”

The office has started a separate pool specifically for people who want to compete without Patterson. He remains unaware of this development, as he’s been too busy organizing his extensive collection of anime figurines and preparing for this week’s competitive Yu-Gi-Oh tournament.

“I’ve been studying football for 30 years,” Thompson added, pulling up his 73-tab analytical spreadsheet. “Derek just asked me if the Jets actually fly planes. Then he went 15-1 last week while explaining the entire Warhammer 40K timeline. I’m considering therapy.”

Patterson’s winning streak shows no signs of ending, much like his ability to quote every line from The Lord of the Rings trilogy. His colleagues have resigned themselves to competing for second place, while Patterson remains blissfully unaware that the Super Bowl and the “playoffs” are different things.

Editor’s Note: After this article was written, Patterson submitted his Week 2 picks while painting miniatures for his new Necromunda campaign. When told the Chiefs lost to the Chargers in Brazil, he responded, “I didn’t know they played football in South America. Do they use the metric system for yards?” The office wellness committee has scheduled a mandatory support group. Attendance is required for everyone except Patterson, who has a Magic: The Gathering draft that night.