Joe Burrow Out 3 Months with Toe Surgery, “Excited” to Finally Guard Home with Better O-Line Than Bengals Provide

In what might be the first time in NFL history that a potentially season-ending turf toe injury has been described as “strategically advantageous,” Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow reportedly told teammates he’s actually relieved about his upcoming 3-month recovery period because he can “finally protect something with a competent offensive line.”

“Joe’s been rightfully paranoid ever since the break-in last year,” said a source close to the quarterback who definitely exists and isn’t just my bartender. “But he’s more excited that he hired five security guards who’ve given up fewer home invasions than his O-line has given up sacks.”

The Ultimate Protection Scheme

According to neighbors, Burrow has hired a private security team he’s dubbed “The Line That Actually Blocks,” consisting of five former Navy SEALs who cost less than the Bengals’ actual offensive line but provide infinitely better protection.

“These guys haven’t allowed a single person past the front gate,” Burrow reportedly told friends. “My actual O-line can’t stop anyone from getting past the line of scrimmage. I’ve been sacked over 200 times since 2020, but my house? Zero penetrations in the backfield since hiring them.”

The security team, which Burrow has given positions like “Left Gate Tackle” and “Driveway Guard,” has apparently not missed a single assignment—a stark contrast to the Bengals’ offensive line, which has missed approximately all of them.

Comparing the Protection Stats

I’ve done a deep dive into the numbers here, and they’re staggering:

Bengals O-Line Since 2020 (per ESPN research):

• Pass block rankings: 30th, (2024), 31st (2025)
• Total Burrow sacks taken: 201 in 5+ seasons (including league-high 51 in 2021)
• Bottom quartile protection: Every. Single. Year.
• Cost: Approximately $45 million annually
• Burrow’s body parts destroyed: Knee (ACL, PCL, MCL, meniscus), wrist, ego, now toe

Burrow’s Home Security Line:

• Break-ins allowed: 0
• Suspicious persons reaching door: 0
• Times Burrow felt safe: All of them
• Cost: $15,000/month + Unlimited Zyn supply
• Burrow’s peace of mind: Intact

“It’s night and day,” said Burrow’s neighbor Jim Patterson. “His security team actually communicates. I heard one yell ‘blitz package’ when the UPS truck came. They picked it up immediately. Meanwhile, the Bengals O-line couldn’t pick up a blitz if it was labeled and color-coded.”

The “Pocket Presence” Mansion

Burrow has reportedly redesigned his home to mirror a football pocket, except this one doesn’t collapse in 1.3 seconds:

• The “Left Tackle Suite”: Monitored by ex-SEAL “Tank” Morrison, who’s never been beaten around the edge (of the property)
• The “Right Tackle Wing”: Guarded by someone who actually knows what a stunt is and how to stop it
• The “Center Command”: A monitoring station where someone actually calls out the Mike linebacker (suspicious persons)
• The “Guard Towers”: With the stature of NFL Offensive Linemen but possess actually athleticism.”

“My home’s pocket is impenetrable,” Burrow allegedly told teammates. “Unlike the Bengals’ pocket, which is more of a suggestion than an actual structure.”

Revolutionary Recovery Methods

Sources report Burrow is combining his toe rehabilitation with security training:

• Practicing footwork drills while monitoring cameras (his security doesn’t step on his feet like his O-line)
• Toe exercises while watching footage of successful blocks (has to use college tape)
• Ice baths for his toe while his security successfully stops solicitors
• Walking boot training while high-fiving guards who’ve completed their assignments

“Joe said watching actual protection is therapeutic,” said a team trainer. “He literally cried when his security stopped a door-to-door salesman. Said it was the first time he’d seen a successful block all year.”

The Injury Prevention Victory

This is actually genius by Burrow. His turf toe happened when Arik Armstead sacked him—the fifth sack in less than six quarters this season. That’s on pace for another 50+ sack season, which would match his 2021 league-leading total.

The security team has reportedly allowed zero hurries, zero hits, and zero sacks of Burrow’s property value. Compare that to the Bengals’ line, which has allowed Burrow to be hurried, hit, and sacked at a rate that would make a tackling dummy feel sympathy.

The Scouting Report

Burrow has allegedly created detailed scouting reports on his security team vs. his offensive line:

Home Security Left Tackle “Tank”:

• 6’5″, 285 lbs, former Navy SEAL
• Bench press: 405 lbs
• Time to react to threat: 0.3 seconds
• Pass block win rate: 100%
• Actually intimidating: Yes

Bengals O-Line (2025 ranking: 28th):

• Pass block win rate: Bottom quartile (again)
• Missed assignments: Yes
• Burrow sacks allowed before injury: 5 in <6 quarters
• Actually intimidating: Only to those behind them in the buffet line

The Bottom Line

While recovering from surgery that his O-line basically caused by being human turnstiles, Burrow has discovered what protection actually feels like. Sources say he’s considering keeping the security team on retainer to stand behind the Bengals’ O-line when he returns, “just in case they need to see what blocking looks like.”

“Joe texted me at 3 AM,” said teammate Ja’Marr Chase. “He said ‘My security just stopped three raccoons from getting in the garbage.’ I think he’s processing some trauma.”

Local police report that Burrow’s property is now the safest location in Cincinnati, while the Bengals’ pocket remains the most dangerous place in the NFL.

That’s why I’m betting the OVER on Burrow’s home value and the UNDER on his life expectancy behind the Bengals’ line when he returns. Also taking “Burrow’s security team could start at tackle” at +500.

Lock it in.