GOLFER LANDS DATE WITH BEVERAGE CART ATTENDANT AFTER IMPRESSING HER WITH TERRIBLE JOKES AND GOLF SKILLS

PINE MEADOWS, FL — Local golfer Brad Simmons, 34, shocked his regular foursome Saturday by successfully securing a date with beverage cart attendant Jessica Miller, despite his complete lack of both golf skills and comedic timing.

“I’ve been working on my approach,” said Simmons, who proceeded to demonstrate his signature move of ordering a single Gatorade and leaving a $50 tip. “It’s all about the follow-through.”

Witnesses report that Simmons employed a strategy of telling increasingly terrible golf puns while displaying an almost impressively poor command of his 7-iron.

“He asked if she knew why they call it a driver, then waited for her response before saying ‘because it drives the ladies wild,'” reported playing partner Dave Kennedy. “Then he immediately shanked a shot into the woods and yelled ‘that’s where the squirrels live!’ She was laughing so hard she had to pull the cart over.”

Miller, who has worked at Pine Meadows for three summers, confirmed that Simmons’ unique combination of self-deprecating humor and genuine enthusiasm for the game despite his 28 handicap was what caught her attention.

“Most guys try to impress me with their swing or by acting like they’re Tiger Woods,” said Miller. “Brad’s the first guy who offered to teach me what not to do on a golf course. Plus, he’s the only one who asks about my graduate studies instead of just calling me ‘cart girl.'”

According to sources, the turning point came at the 14th hole when Simmons accidentally knocked over an entire cooler of beverages while attempting to demonstrate what he called his “power stance.”

“He just looked at the mess, looked at me, and said ‘I promise I’m more coordinated at dinner,'” Miller recalled. “It was refreshingly honest.”

At press time, Simmons was reportedly taking golf lessons and studying a book of dad jokes in preparation for their upcoming date at a local restaurant, where he has already arranged to accidentally spill water on himself “to break the ice.”