Ryder Cup: American Golfer Discovers Europe Is Multiple Countries, “It’s not fair!”

BETHPAGE BLACK, NY — I need everyone to stop what they’re doing and listen. I’ve uncovered something at the Ryder Cup that changes EVERYTHING.

I was at the range yesterday when I overheard something that made me drop my $22 beer. Some European fan said—and I quote—”I hope the Spanish players do well today”.

Spanish?  I thought we were playing against Europe.

I immediately confronted a European team official, who confirmed what might be the biggest scandal in golf history: “Europe” is not a country. It’s multiple countries PRETENDING to be one team. They’ve been doing this for DECADES.

The Evidence Is Overwhelming

I spent all night researching this (my wife says I was “drunk Googling,” but she doesn’t understand investigative journalism). Here’s what I found:

• Jon Rahm: Spanish
• Rory McIlroy: Irish (which might not even be in Europe?)
• Viktor Hovland: Norwegian (that’s practically Russia)
• Ludvig Åberg: Swedish (different from Swiss, apparently)
• Tommy Fleetwood: English (Brexit means Brexit, right?)

THEY DON’T EVEN USE THE SAME MONEY. How is this legal?

Meanwhile, Team USA gets:

• Americans: American
• That’s it. Just Americans from America.

My Proposed Solution

After discovering this conspiracy, I’ve created a fair restructuring plan that I’ve already submitted to the PGA of America (via Facebook comment):

Option 1: State Representation USA should get 52 players (one per state). Texas alone should get three players because of its size. Alaska should get two for the same reason, though I’m told it’s mostly ice.

Option 2: The Driving Alignment This is my best idea—teams should be divided by which side of the road they drive on:

Team Right Side (Correct Side):

• USA
• Spain
• France
• Germany
• Italy
• Most of Europe actually

Team Wrong Side (Chaos):

• England
• Ireland
• Japan (are they in Europe?)
• Australia (definitely should count as Europe)

I presented this to a rules official who said “Sir, please leave the media center.” Classic deflection.

Option 3: Language-Based Teams Everyone who speaks English plays for USA. This gives us:

• All current USA players
• Rory McIlroy
• Tommy Fleetwood
• Matt Fitzpatrick
• Shane Lowry
• Basically half of “Europe”

When I suggested this, someone pointed out that Rahm speaks English too. That’s when I realized how deep this goes.

The Historical Cover-Up

I’ve been watching the Ryder Cup since 2019 (got into golf during COVID like everyone else), and NOT ONCE did anyone mention this multiple-country situation. The broadcast keeps saying “Europe” like it’s one place.

I asked my buddy Steve (he’s been to Canada) if he knew about this. He said, “Obviously, you idiot.” But when I pressed him to name five European countries, he said, “England, London, Paris, Germany, and Brexit.” So clearly, nobody really understands this.

The Competitive Advantage

Think about it: Europe gets to pick the best players from like 40-something countries (I stopped counting after 12). They have different coaching systems, different golf courses, probably different golf balls. It’s basically an All-Star team.

Meanwhile, USA has to pick from one country. ONE. How is that fair?

I calculated that if you divide Europe’s population (which I Googled as “a lot”) by the number of countries (also “a lot”), they actually have MORE golf talent pools to choose from. That’s just math.

What This Means for Betting

My bookie (I mean, my “friend who takes recreational wagers”) needs to know about this immediately. I bet $500 on “USA vs. Europe,” but if Europe is multiple countries, shouldn’t I get better odds?

If Spain wins a match, does all of Europe get the point? What if Spain and England play against each other in practice? Is that a civil war?

These are the questions nobody’s asking.

My Formal Demands

I’m starting a petition (my wife says it’s “just a Facebook post,” but she’s European—she’s from New Jersey, which might as well be) with the following demands:

1. Immediate investigation into how long Europe has been multiple countries
2. Retroactive adjustment of all Ryder Cup results
3. USA gets to include Canada (they’re basically Minnesota)
4. Each US state counts as its own country
5. Texas gets two teams (it’s really big)
6. Europe must prove they’re actually one country or forfeit

The Response Has Been Telling

I’ve tried to spread awareness all day at Bethpage. The responses prove there’s a cover-up:

• Security: “Sir, please stop yelling at European fans”
• NBC Broadcast booth: “How did you get up here?”
• Team USA Captain: “Security!”
• My wife: “I’m going home”

If I wasn’t onto something, why would everyone try to silence me?

What You Can Do

Share this article. Tell your friends. Call your congressman (I called mine but apparently “golf teams” aren’t his jurisdiction—another lie).

We’ve been playing with a massive disadvantage. While we’re over here with one country like suckers, Europe’s been collecting countries like Pokémon cards.

Next Ryder Cup, I propose we get to include:

• Canada (North America)
• Mexico (also North America)
• Puerto Rico (basically America)
• Hawaii (is that separate?)
• Any country that’s ever had a McDonald’s

Fair is fair.

The Truth Will Prevail

I’m not leaving Bethpage until someone explains how a “continent” can compete against a country. My golf buddy Dave says I’m “embarrassing myself” and “fundamentally misunderstanding international competition,” but Dave also thinks his slice is “a power fade,” so what does he know?

Tonight, I’m confronting more European fans. I’ve prepared a PowerPoint (it’s actually just screenshots from Wikipedia) proving that Europe is cheating.

The revolution starts now. USA versus “Europe” (which I now know is fake) will never be the same.

Wake up, America. Or should I say, wake up North America, South America, and any other America we can claim to even the odds.

This is bigger than golf. This is about geography.

Editor’s Note: Chad was eventually removed from Bethpage Black after attempting to perform a “citizen’s arrest” on Sergio García for “country fraud.” His petition currently has 3 signatures: himself, his mother (supportive), and someone named “DeezNutz69.” The European Union has not responded to his request for comment, mainly because he sent it to a restaurant called “European Cafe” in Long Island.

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Chad Fairway is not actually a golfer but was at the Ryder Cup because he won tickets from a radio contest he doesn’t remember entering. He can be found at the merchandise tent, demanding to see the manager about “geographical misrepresentation.”