Tim Tebow ANXIOUSLY AWAITS CONCLAVE DECISION, PRACTICES POPE WAVE JUST IN CASE

VATICAN CITY — Former NFL quarterback and current ESPN analyst Tim Tebow has reportedly been checking his phone every few minutes as the College of Cardinals prepares to enter conclave, despite the fact that he is neither Catholic, ordained, nor eligible in any conceivable way to become the next pontiff.

Sources close to Tebow reveal that the former Florida Gators star has been practicing his papal blessing in front of mirrors and has ordered several white baseball caps, which he believes “are basically the same thing” as the traditional papal mitre.

“Tim is really putting in the preparation work, just like he did before games,” said longtime friend Jason Williams. “He’s been studying Latin on Duolingo and practicing waving from a balcony. When I reminded him that he’s not even in the running, he just winked and said ‘Fourth-quarter comeback.'”

Tebow himself addressed reporters outside his Florida home while dressed in an unusually flowing white bathrobe.

“Look, I know what the experts and oddsmakers are saying,” Tebow explained while blessing a nearby sprinkler system. “But throughout my career, I’ve always been underestimated. They said I couldn’t win the Heisman. They said I couldn’t be a first-round draft pick. They said I couldn’t convert to tight end. Now they’re saying I can’t become the supreme leader of the Catholic Church despite having no qualifications whatsoever.”

Vatican officials have repeatedly attempted to explain to Tebow that he is not being considered for the position, sending several formal letters clarifying the rigorous requirements for papal eligibility, all of which Tebow reportedly interpreted as “pre-draft interest.”

Catholic scholars note that Tebow’s confusion may stem from repeatedly being told he has a “divine throwing motion,” which he appears to have taken literally.

ESPN has reportedly already prepared graphics for a “Tebow Tracker” to monitor the white smoke from the Sistine Chapel, despite network executives admitting they are “99.9% sure this is unnecessary.”

At press time, Tebow was seen practicing a signature move he calls “The Full Pope,” which involves kneeling, crossing himself, and pointing to the sky simultaneously, a maneuver that Vatican observers describe as “theologically confused but athletically impressive.”