Why the Cowboys Are Obviously America’s Team (And I’m Betting My Kids’ College Fund on Them)
By “Sure Thing” Sal Malone
Listen up, sheep. While you’re all falling for the fake news media telling you the Cowboys aren’t America’s Team, I’ve uncovered the TRUTH through my extensive research (three beers and a YouTube video). The Cowboys ARE America’s Team, and that’s exactly why they’re guaranteed to win the Super Bowl this year. Lock it in.
The Jerry Jones Genius Factor
First off, everyone says Jerry Jones is “meddling” and “destroying the team.” WRONG. This is exactly what he wants you to think. Jerry’s playing 4D chess while the rest of the NFL is playing checkers. You think a billionaire oil man doesn’t know what he’s doing?
I’ve studied Jerry’s body language during interviews (I paused the TV 47 times), and every time he says “we’re close,” he blinks exactly three times. Three. You know what else has three? Triangles. Illuminati. Jerry Jones is obviously part of a secret society that’s been fixing games AGAINST the Cowboys to make their eventual triumph even sweeter. The odds will be HUGE when they finally let them win.
That’s why I’m putting $8,000 on Cowboys to win the Super Bowl at 60:1. When they win, I’ll make a half million! My wife doesn’t know about this bet yet, but she’ll thank me when we’re shopping for yachts.
The Bandwagon Evidence That Proves Everything
People say Cowboys fans are “bandwagon fans from the ’90s.” EXACTLY! You know why there are so many of us? Because we’re SMART. We recognized greatness and stuck with it. That’s not bandwagoning, that’s INVESTING.
I became a Cowboys fan in 1993 when I was 12. They won three Super Bowls in four years. By my calculations, they’re due for another run of three championships starting THIS YEAR. It’s been 29 years since their last one, and 29 is a prime number. Prime numbers ALWAYS indicate reversals in sports trends. This is basic math that Vegas doesn’t want you to know.
The Geographic Superiority Play
“The Cowboys aren’t America’s team.”
Listen, dummy. Texas is the BIGGEST state in real America (Alaska doesn’t count, it’s basically Canada). Texas has oil, cattle, and no state income tax. You know what that means? MONEY. And money wins championships.
Plus, the star on their helmet? That’s literally the symbol of America. Every flag has stars. The Cowboys have THE star. One star. Numero uno. That’s subliminal messaging that they’re number one. I learned this from a guy at the bar who used to work in advertising before he got fired for “drinking at work”.
My Foolproof Cowboys Betting System
I’ve been tracking every Cowboys game since 2007, and I’ve discovered a pattern that Las Vegas hasn’t caught onto yet:
- When the Cowboys wear white at home: BET THE OVER
- When Jerry Jones is shown on TV more than 5 times in the first quarter: COWBOYS COVER
- When the opposing team has won their last game: COWBOYS WIN OUTRIGHT
- When everyone says they’ll lose: MORTGAGE YOUR HOUSE
Using this system, I’m up lifetime (I don’t count the losses because those were clearly rigged).
The Dak Prescott Secret Nobody’s Talking About
My cousin’s neighbor works at a gym where he SWEARS he saw someone who looked like Dak Prescott’s trainer, and that guy said Dak’s been hiding his true power level. He’s apparently been playing at 60% for four years to keep the odds favorable for when they unleash him.
Think about it: Why would Jerry pay him $60 million a year if he wasn’t GUARANTEED to deliver? Jerry’s a businessman! He obviously knows something we don’t. That’s insider information you can’t get anywhere else.
The “Haven’t Won Since ’95” Advantage
Everyone mocks the Cowboys for not winning since 1995. These idiots don’t understand sports psychology. The longer you go without winning, the MORE LIKELY you are to win. It’s called “regression to the mean,” which I learned about from a statistics book I saw at Barnes & Noble (didn’t buy it, but I got the gist).
The Cowboys have been storing up winning energy for 29 years. That’s like a volcano that hasn’t erupted. When it blows, it BLOWS. I’m talking undefeated the rest of the regular season, playoffs domination, Super Bowl blowout. Book it.
Why This Is Actually About America
The Cowboys are America’s Team because America is about LOYALTY. Real Americans don’t jump ship when things get tough. We didn’t give up after Vietnam, did we? (I wasn’t born yet, but I would’ve been loyal).
Every Cowboys fan still believing after 29 years is a patriot. We’re not delusional, we’re FAITHFUL. That’s the American way. Plus, cowboys literally built America. You ever see a team called the Philadelphia Computer Programmers? The Seattle Baristas? No. Cowboys. America.
The Referee Conspiracy I’ve Uncovered
I’ve rewatched every Cowboys loss from the last 10 years (my ex-wife says this is why she left, but she never understood dedication). In 73% of their losses, there was at least one questionable call. That’s not coincidence, that’s COORDINATION.
The NFL doesn’t want the Cowboys to win because it would be too obvious. They need to maintain the illusion of parity. But this year, the heat’s off because everyone’s watching the Chiefs. That’s when the Cowboys strike. It’s so obvious, I can’t believe Vegas hasn’t caught on.
That’s why I’m also betting:
- Cowboys to win NFC East: $2,000
- Dak Prescott MVP: $1,500
- Cowboys vs. Bills Super Bowl: $500
- Jerry Jones to cry at Super Bowl: $100 (found a prop bet site based in Estonia)
My Lock of the Century
Cowboys are +900 to win the NFC Championship. That’s INSANE value for America’s Team. The media keeps talking about the “Eagles” and “teams that actually made the playoffs.” Classic misdirection.
Here’s what’s going to happen:
- Everyone jumps on the bandwagon (don’t bet weeks 6-8, let the odds adjust)
- Playoff run begins (BET EVERYTHING)
- Super Bowl victory (retire to Mexico)
I’ve already told my bookie to reserve a spot for the biggest bet of his life come playoff time. He laughed, which is EXACTLY what someone would do if they knew I was onto something.
The Bottom Line
The Cowboys ARE America’s Team. Jerry Jones IS a genius. This IS their year. And I’m going to be RICH.
Everyone laughing at Cowboys fans now will be begging for my betting tips when I’m cashing tickets worth more than their houses. I’ve got $31,000 allocated for Cowboys bets this season (the credit card companies don’t know they’re funding this yet).
When the Cowboys are holding the Lombardi trophy in February, remember: Sal Malone called it. Sure Thing Sal ALWAYS knows.
Can’t lose. Lock it in. Cowboys by a million.
Editor’s Note: Sal has picked the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl for 17 consecutive years. He insists his 0-17 record is “about to reverse HARD.” His bookie has started a college fund for his own children based entirely on Sal’s Cowboys bets.
“Sure Thing” Sal Malone is currently 0-74 on his “Locks of the Century” but insists this is a statistical anomaly that makes his next pick “basically guaranteed.” He can be found at Buffalo Wild Wings every Sunday, explaining to strangers why the Cowboys are about to “turn it around.”
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